Remembering

Yesterday was Shawn's last Sunday behind the pulpit at BFC. I'm still in denial about the McConaughey's move to Newberg so I only shed a few, easily concealed tears but his sermon stuck with me all day.

He talked about Moses and the promised land and the importance of remembering the past in order to go forward into the future. (He put it much more succinctly than that, but that's how I'll sum it up!) At one point, he asked us to remember our past at BFC and to think about people and moments that changed who we are today (again, I'm summing up). I found myself reflecting on this quite a bit during the service and then off and on all day. There have been many, many people and circumstances during the last 14 years that have shaped who I am today. Some of these memories aren't great but God has definitely used all of these experiences to draw me closer to Him. I have more memories-good and bad-than I can write about here, but I'll try to sum it up as best I can. Our very first Sunday at BFC was on Mother's Day, 1994. Rob and I were looking for a church after about 7 years of self-exile (mine) from organized religion and my parents were attending there while resting up after their own good-ministry-gone-bad experience. I remember my mom handing Rob a bulletin that had a snippet about Saturday Men's Basketball and I knew we had found our church. I also remember Rob jumping in to the "church experience" with both feet while I hung back just a little bit. Every Sunday Rob would practically drag me up to the second pew from the front, next to the aisle, and he would hang on every word of the new pastor. Before long, he and Gary were fast friends and they were discussing ways for us to be involved, especially with the music. I remember not quite being ready to fully participate. I grew up in the church and had had my share of bad experiences and I just wasn't willing to be "real" yet. I didn't want people to know who we really were. At the time, I was working at Garcia's Mexican Restaurant as a part-time food server, part-time bartender. I hadn't read a book by a Christian author since my days at NNC and the only contemporary Christian singer I knew of that was still popular was Amy Grant. And she wasn't that popular anymore. I felt like a fraud and I was sure everyone would find out. Rob became a Christian just a few weeks after we began attending and he was on fire. Most of my memories of that first year are of me trying to fit in by being someone I wasn't. I knew the lingo (Christian-ese) and I had the "right" kind of upbringing, so I put on my Sunday smile each week and soaked up the attention the new pastor gave us because of our participation in the music, and hoped no one would notice how out of place I felt. Zach and Rob were very happy and accepted but I was on the outside looking in. I don't remember when it happened, exactly, but I did make friends and I even learned some new choruses like "As the Deer" (seriously!). I read a few Chuck Swindoll books, joined a ladies Bible Study, quit my job as a bartender and BFC gradually grew to feel like home to me. The next few years were some of the best and some of the worst of my entire life. I have serious authority figure issues so my heart and mind were thrown into complete and utter confusion by the pastor of the church during this time. One day he would be loving, encouraging and serving and the next, rude, self-serving and angry. Since Rob and I were very involved during this time, we were far too close to the fire. By this time, I was wearing my heart on my sleeve and it was beaten to a pulp. God used this time and these experiences to draw me to Him. I searched the Bible everyday to try to understand what was happening. I journaled and prayed and cried out to God to show me what to do. I remember so many good things happening in the midst of the confusion- I began some incredible, life-long friendships, we poured our hearts into creating music and leading worship, and Zach gave his young heart to Jesus. AND in the spring of 1998, I got pregnant with Gloria. It's difficult to look back and remember 1998. It was a hard year all the way around. Gloria was born in December and the church was rocked by a nasty split in February of 1999. (I still connect Gloria's birth with the split since so much of her early months were a blur because of the emotional and spiritual turmoil.) We lost so much during that time that still has not been recovered. For better or worse, this pastor had been Rob's first mentor as a new Christian and it left a pretty bad after taste for both of us. It wasn't long after the split before the church people rallied and we pulled ourselves up by our boot straps. Stories were shared as we dusted each other off and the shaky healing began. This was about the time that Gregg and Shawn rode in on their white horses to save the day. We were a crushed and hurting congregation. We were angry and confused and many of us were not ready to trust another pastor. And yet, we did. Slowly but surely, with God's help, Gregg and Shawn patched us up and began to teach us about the unconditional love of imperfect people who were listening to God and loving regardless of the cost. I remember that my heart was pretty cold when they first came in the summer of 1999 but it gradually began to melt as these two families reached out to help. By the time the Koskela's were called back to Newberg in 2002, we were a (mostly) healthy congregation and I had learned an awful lot about God's love and how to trust Him completely. Gil and Louise stepped in to fill the big gap that Gregg left behind and, although it was incredibly difficult to say good-bye to Gregg, Elaine and the girls (and the new baby!!) I trusted now that God had a plan and that we would be OK. And we have been OK. Shawn and Gil have been a great team and the church has overcome some great obstacles under their leadership. The split is rarely mentioned anymore and there are very few "triggers" that take me back to that tumultuous time. In fact, I hadn't thought much about it at all until Shawn asked us to remember- thanks Shawn- on Sunday but I'm glad I took the time to take this trip down memory lane. It has reminded me that God always has a plan. His plan is not a contingency plan but absolutely PLAN A. It has reminded me that God uses a variety of people to reveal himself in amazing ways. He took good AND bad experiences and taught me about himself and his love in a way that no human author could do. People are imperfect- all of them. Churches are imperfect- all of them. Pastors (and all authority figures!) are imperfect- all of them. I am imperfect- all of me, all the time. And amazingly enough, God uses people and churches and pastors and even ME to draw us to Him. So remembering these past experiences has helped me to feel good about the future. I will miss the McConaughey's more than I can say but they have been a huge part of the preparation for me, personally, and for BFC as we continue to move forward. Shawn has shown us, through his life and ministry, that we will be OK when he leaves. His last sermon wasn't one of sadness and of dwelling on the past, but one of joy and of looking to the future. I appreciate his take on moving forward. So, Shawn, if you managed to stay with me for this long, thank-you. Thank-you for being real and for giving us a little shove into the future. I will, however, remain in denial until I see the tail lights of your moving truck sometime this summer! :)