The Big Change. . .

So. . . things have changed.  I've known the changes were coming for a long, long time.  People who know me well (and some who've just made educated guesses) know that these changes have been coming for a long, long time. For years, truly.  In many ways, the things leading up to the Big Change have been much harder than the Big Change itself is turning out to be.  And because I'm a private person, I haven't addressed those changes here (much) but it's made updating my blog very difficult because the changes are deeply ingrained in my everyday life.  But at some point in the very near future these things will be common knowledge and I'll have to figure out how to move ahead with my blog because I love coming back here to remember how my life has unfolded over the years.  And this is a BIG unfolding. 

So, here it is in a nutshell:  Rob has moved out and I've asked him for a divorce.  There.  I said it. It's real.  And it's really happening.  We had our 25th anniversary on the 25th of August, I asked for a separation on the 22nd of September and now, in the middle of October, we are figuring out how to dismantle 29 years of emotions and memories and bad times and good times.  It's a journey into the unknown but, in my heart, I know it's a necessary journey.  And I've wrestled with my heart.  For a very long time.  So I'm not going to explain or justify or point fingers.  I'm just going to acknowledge right here where I keep my memories that this is happening.  And I want to figure out how to revisit these memories here without causing hurt and unnecessary sadness.  But this is part of my story now.  Part of my crazy, beautiful life.  And I intend to continue having a crazy, beautiful life in spite of the changes. 

Paradise, July 2015 Edition. . .

 In a rare social move, I spent the weekend at the cabin with Michelle Holt.  I haven't seen her in years and years but we've kept in touch through Facebook and, when she messaged me a few weeks ago about needing a get away, I invited her to hang with me in Garden Valley. 

 I am seriously poor at small talk and had reservations that I would have nothing to say and we would spend a weekend in awkward silence, however, I know that Michelle is an extrovert, unlike me, so I trusted that there would be plenty to say.  And I was right. . .

 We spent time catching up on what our kids are doing, what our spouses do that make us crazy, the kinds of decisions we make everyday in our business lives and even personal stuff that should be listed under the heading: TMI. . .

 We ate, we drank, we took the dogs for walks. . .

 We sat on the porch and drank coffee, sat in chairs with our feet in the river, sat at the table and tried to find just the right angle for cell phone coverage. . .

 We took lots of pictures with our phones and I was able to get some good shots with my fancy camera. . .

 

 

We talked about the past and the present and our hopes for the future. . .

 And, at one point, a bird hit the window above our heads and died at our feet.  Life is short. . .

And I left the cabin feeling like I'd had a good therapy session and I'd formed some important thoughts and ideas and what I'm calling my two year plan.  Now all I have to do is let it all sink in and run with it. . .

January 2, 2015

I've been waffling back and forth between making big (huge) resolutions and not making any resolutions at all.  Maybe set some goals. Not good enough!! Big (huge) resolutions!  NO!  That only comes with disappointment.  Write down a few things you can shoot for, you know, maybe go back to school in the fall, maybe turn the backyard into a relaxing haven, stop biting your nails.  Post a picture everyday!!  Make a vision board!! 

All of these things have run through my head plus a zillion other thoughts about how I want things to be different in 2015.  And yesterday, the very first day of 2015, I did none of those things. 

Instead, I woke up in a hotel with Gloria and her two friends feeling thankful that we work with people whose generosity and friendship leads to things like free hotel suites.  And free breakfast buffets.  And then I did absolutely nothing to pack up all of the gear from the New Year's Eve show.  Not one cable coiled, not one case pushed into the truck, not one subwoofer touched any part of my body.  And I felt no guilt.  And then I went home and took a nap.  And played games with my kids.  And then I stopped by and visited Dale and his sweet family at Pizza Hut because they were in town for a couple of hours before flying back to Maryland.  And he hugged me and told me that he's proud of me.  He was our business partner way back in the beginning and he knows where I'm at. 

When we got home I ate two bowls of homemade noodles that my father-in-law made just for me.  I shared with the rest of the family but they were just for me. 

We played Ticket to Ride in the evening, all four of us.  In my new office / game room / exercise room / haven. 

When I finally went to bed, I heard the laughter of my kids coming from the living room where they were fully engaged in a two lap top game of Minecraft.  Until at least 3 a.m.  And I smiled every time the laughter was loud enough to wake me up. 

So, I don't feel guilty for not setting goals or writing things down.  I've been doing the work.  I've been making the changes.  Little by little I've been making good changes.  And what I'm finding is the most important change I'm making is to choose happiness.  People matter.  Time is short.  Life is good and I have good things to be thankful for and to look forward to. 

End of an Era...

It's over. Documents are signed, contributions are dispersed. Bills are paid. Time to put on my big girl panties and move on. But not today. Today I'm going to cry. Tomorrow is a new day and there are many, many things to be thankful for. Tomorrow.

New Chapter. . . New Book??

So. . . things are changing.  Things have changed.  Mostly past tense.  I'm working on taking the crazy out of my beautiful life.  I'm almost at the end of a very long, somewhat painful chapter. Maybe even at the end of the book.  I'm tired but not defeated.  I'm slowly working through the regrets and finding the blessings.  I know I have plenty of them but I haven't been able to see them very clearly.  And since you have to start somewhere, I started with my front yard.  All things considered, it's not too bad.  It's just been neglected for years and years and years.  Like so many other things in my life.  So I hired a landscaper.  Here are the after and before pictures (I put the after picture first because it's so much prettier!):

 

It really is time to stop looking back and move into the future.  I think it's going to be a whole new book. 

Road Block...

So much to say about the last three days and so many photos to post. This is the moment that in the past has hindered my blogging process. I don't have the time or the brain power to move photos to my laptop (just installed a bad program while trying) and so I'm afraid the thoughts and moments will pile up in my head and on my iPhone, never to appear in print.

But I have important thoughts. And I have photos to illustrate my thoughts. And I hope I'm able to get those words out while they are still fresh. But it won't be tonight....

Art Festival. . .

This was the post that held me up for so long.  Too many pictures, too many thoughts.  And now it's far enough in the past that it's not a big deal.  This is one of those events that has actually been enjoyable for me.  Laid back and easy.  And this was the last time . . .

 

We had another event on the evening of the second day of the Arts Fest- High Street at City Hall in Meridian.  Rob had stuff to do all weekend so I helped Kurt with the Art Fest and hired Jamie to help Rob at City Hall.  I just showed up part way through and listened.  This is a band worth listening to for sure. . .

Day Two of the Art Fest:

And. . . taking it all down.  I remember thinking when I took these last four pictures, that I wanted to remember how physically demanding this part of all of our events has been so that if I ever feel sentimental about it I can look at these pictures and feel relief that I don't have to do it anymore. . .

Since I'm posting this in retrospect on October 18th, I know that we had just two more set ups like this one and each was more difficult than the one before it.  So I guess you could say I will miss this particular event a teeny tiny bit but the back breaking tear downs will always, only make me shudder. . .

Tears...

I cried today. Nothing new, really. I cry a lot lately. But I think today's tears were cathartic. I've had these moments that I really consider stepping stones. I learn and get stronger with each one. I let go of things that I don't need to hold onto and I gain wisdom about the next step. So while this whole process has been incredibly painful, it has also been very necessary for me to move forward and find my happy again. And I WILL find my happy again. I'm sure of it.

Tonight's sunset....